It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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