I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
