Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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