I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was like eating out sand paper
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
