im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
