im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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