There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
