the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
