Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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