my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize