RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
