Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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