Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
