Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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