I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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