Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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