If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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