Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
