She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i drank out of a bidet.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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