my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My butt remains clenched, sir.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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