I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
