I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
