James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
