Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
