I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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