she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
