she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
