nut hugger
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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