Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
