What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
