at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
