Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
