I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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