I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
