Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
