Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
