well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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