I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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