Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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