maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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