i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
