I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
