mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
