I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
