We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
