i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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