Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
