She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I believe in your delicious
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize