remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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