Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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