Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
