we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
