If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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