I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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