dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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