Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
