people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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