i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
