You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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