the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
