We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
