I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
