You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your cock deserves a montage
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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